BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 2/20/26 |
Hey Aarde,
I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the line of adulthood, I’ve lost contact, energy, connection, or possibly the desire for certain friendships. Everything seemed so easy in my twenties: friends were always available, we saw each other in class, at parties, or between shared hobbies. Now I barely see anyone outside of work and family life.
Sometimes I internalize it, and it seems like I’m the problem; I see other adults with lasting friendships, so there must be something wrong with me. And other times, I externalize that we’re all just too busy and overwhelmed with adult fatigue. It all seems so complicated now, but I am craving some of the nuances that only friendships can bring. How can I make friendships a priority?
Signed,
Missing People
Hey Missing People,
Intention takes energy, and oftentimes, in the heat of our lives, we can find ourselves lacking it. And that goes for all of us, so try not to spend too much time internalizing it. Your lack of intention isn’t evidence of failure on your part; life changes for each of us, and some of us need time to decide whether we want to make more conscious efforts to stay connected to certain relationships. I’ve lost touch with people I once thought would be in my life forever.
It was easy when we all shared spaces: classrooms, first jobs at the mall, and first apartment buildings. Yet, as time moves on, we might move away, change jobs or chase careers, grow out of the mall or pub scene, and suddenly the community infrastructure disappears. Our responsibilities shift to chasing toddlers, building a business, furthering education, or caring for aging parents; each has a different rhythm from the other. Trying to dance to four different songs at once is not conducive to a good time; it becomes chaotic and exhausting. Our physical and emotional bandwidth shrinks as we take on those weighty responsibilities, making social outings feel costly. So, we guard our spare moments closely, attending only social events we are “required” to (weddings, funerals, baby showers), which are often full of brief, face-value interactions and don’t typically lend themselves to deeper connections.
As time passes, we learn more about ourselves and develop identities that may diverge from those of our previous friendships, leading them to feel misaligned. It is important to take friendship inventories often and maintain any existing healthy friendships to ensure you don’t end up sitting alone with your newly curated identity. There is a vulnerability in this call to action, touching base with friendships that you assert a connection with. Remember, it isn’t solely up to you if a friendship remains. Be sure to not only ask whether the relationship is working for you, but also prepare yourself for the possibility that you no longer align with your friend’s needs. These moments are bittersweet as you accept the reality of the world extending beyond your own ego, choosing to honor their progress in developing their own self while settling into a sense of pride and feeling grateful that your friendship has lived wild and free, all while accepting the distance that has grown.
Please keep in mind that dips in friendships during midlife are very common. Most of us find ourselves evaluating our relationships whenever we have a moment to breathe. It is not a sign that you are failing at friendships, and you don’t need to lose any sleep over it. You are not alone in the perplexity of accommodating this shift in social structure; you may even notice the ambiguous ache of grief as you inventory your friendships, a challenge when something isn’t gone but has been lost.
As you age, you care less about spanning across social circles and more about the depth of each connection. Time is our most valuable asset, and wasting it on shallow interactions to prove your popularity is imprudent. Analyze who you feel safe with, who aligns with your morals, and who you want to invest in. There is a technique known as the “Circle of Influence/Closeness,” aka the Relationship Circles exercise, an activity of visual concentric circles that ripple out from you at the center. Each ring is a place within a boundary of distance to you; the closer to the inner circle, the greater the access to intimacy.
Reframing the way we mentally approach this inevitable inventory is crucial. Instead of asking, “Why is it so hard to keep friends?” ask yourself, “What kind of friendship fits the kind of person I am today?” And if you find a friendship has gone stale, and you consciously want to make space to reestablish that connection without overextending your emotional abilities, here’s how:
– Lower the bar for contact. Instead of spending a weekend at an Airbnb together to really connect, send a daily affirmation text. Focus on consistency rather than intensity.
– Create a ritual session that is easy to accommodate. Instead of focusing on the excitement of once – spontaneous adventures, focus on scheduled calming activities. A monthly breakfast at a favorite restaurant (Three Hearts in Hilltop is one of my favorite spots), a quarterly dinner club (try a baked potato at The Huckleberry Club on MLK), or meet for a weekly Pilates class (People’s Pilates has a great vibe).
Send one text a day. See how long it takes to get through your contact list, starting with As and ending with Zs; this is also a great way to weed out lost connections you determine are not healthy to keep in your contacts.
Friendship in adulthood is less accidental; it’s more deliberate, which makes it more meaningful. So instead of asking yourself why it feels harder, ask who feels worth the effort now. Choose one person. Send the text. Friendships that evolve and grow alongside you will be fewer, but they will fit.
