BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 5/8/26 |
Hey Aarde,
I’m a single mom of one teenage son. I don’t have a big family, and his father isn’t really in the picture, so we don’t typically have many big holidays. When he was younger, his teachers would make sure a macaroni necklace, a construction paper card, or some small token would reach me in celebration of Mother’s Day. But as he’s gotten older, I don’t think anyone is directing him to participate, and the hints that I’ve dropped throughout the year seem to go unnoticed. I can talk myself through most of the emotions that come with a forgotten Mother’s Day, but I worry that he’ll be one of those men who pay no attention to important dates with his future partner. I can manage, but his future spouse may not. I’ll admit, it would be nice to be honored on a day designed specifically for me. When my friends who are mothers ask what I got this year, and I have to say “nothing,” I always feel so awful, as if I’m doing something wrong. Can you help walk me through this?
Signed,
Sad Mom
Hi Sad Mom,
Gosh, I’m sorry that you are feeling awful about a holiday that should be holding you up. You may feel unnoticed or unappreciated when this happens. This is a tricky position to be in and has multiple facets to consider. Being a single parent comes with its own nuances, especially when you’re the one responsible for consistently modeling familial and social etiquette.
Providing an idea, a few dollars, and a ride to the dollar store may come easily when the recipient isn’t you; it can feel like you’re seeking gifts and praise. But let’s be honest; you are, and that’s okay. You deserve to feel recognized for the important role that you play in your child’s life. And it’s not far-fetched to desire a heartfelt effort because a forced thank-you never feels as good as a genuine one.
While Mother’s Day may feel commercialized, its roots are much older (dating back to ancient Greece), and at its core, it’s simply about showing appreciation to those in our lives who serve as mothers. Throughout history, this has been shown in small, handmade ways, like you saw when your son had guidance as a youngster. That’s part of what makes this sting: you’re not asking for much. Even a haiku on a napkin would mean something. So it’s not really about the gift; it’s about being seen, something single parents often battle with.
When the conversation turns to what everyone’s kids did, have a light, ready response: something like, “He’s still in the learning phase, but we’re working on it,” with a smile that signals confidence, not an apology. It isn’t about saving face; it’s about raising a son who builds awareness, empathy, and follow-through, and who learns valuable skills that matter far beyond a single holiday. Wanting to be recognized isn’t something to feel embarrassed about, and neither is the fact that he’s still learning how to show up. We’re all growing here, so make sure your circle of friends is healthy and nourishing. There is no time for judgment or pressure.
So, it isn’t a question of whether you deserve it, and it’s not a reflection of your son’s love for you. It’s about being willing to sit in a little discomfort and ask for appreciation. You may be used to minimizing your own needs for the sake of the household, and there’s an awkward overlap here: you’re both the person who wants to be appreciated and the one responsible for teaching what that looks like. It can feel a bit like staging your own applause.
But kids need guidance to connect these social dots as they mature. You’re not begging for appreciation; you’re teaching emotional literacy, something that often stalls once teachers stop prompting it. Your son is likely distracted by the spring air, sports, end-of-year pressures, a flood of hormones, and the looming weight of adulthood, so try not to take his lack of awareness personally. Instead, let’s set you and your son up for success next year, because clearly, dropping hints isn’t working.
As the CEO of your household, I suggest having a simple, honest conversation with your son well before the holiday. You could approach this as a team effort by sitting down quarterly and adding all important events to a family calendar. You could use this time to explain your expectations and why they matter to you. Set him up by giving examples of simple gestures; remind him of the macaroni necklace he made in second grade. Better yet, preemptively pull out a past token from grade school to remind him that he is capable. You can offer him a small budget in advance if that’s appropriate, or provide a contact for a trusted adult who may be able to help him acquire a gift. As the mother of an adult son, I’ll often send a quick text a week ahead, letting him know what I have planned for the day. It’s a gentle reminder, not a nudge, making it clear that I’m perfectly capable of celebrating myself. Whatever effort he adds becomes a choice, not a rescue. The door is open for him to show up, but I’m already standing firmly in my own worth.
The hard part for many parents is avoiding micromanaging. While you must allow him the space to succeed genuinely, you also need to be sure you prepare for imperfect outcomes. Teenagers have a lot on their plates, so make sure you are ready to lovingly and without shame reinforce your expectations. It might be beneficial to explain to your son how some holidays carry extra emotional weight to those without strong support systems, as you mentioned you might experience. Your son doesn’t have a permanent character flaw; it’s a gap in experience, and one you can fill. With a little clarity and consistency, you’re raising someone who knows how to show up for the people he loves. This is hard but important work you’re doing. Bravo Mom!
Do you have a question for Ask Aarde? Send it to jdaarde@gmail.com
