BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 1/30/26 |
Hey Aarde,
I’m starting to feel confused about what’s actually going on in my relationship. Last week, I brought up an issue with my partner about them repeatedly canceling plans at the last minute. I tried to be calm and said it made me feel unimportant and anxious when it kept happening. Almost immediately, they denied that it was a real issue and told me I was exaggerating. They said things like, “That’s not true. You’re just being dramatic,” and insisted that they “hardly ever cancel,” even though I can remember several examples. Then the conversation shifted. Instead of addressing what I brought up, they became angry and accused me of being the problem. They said I was always criticizing them, that I am impossible to please, and that my “constant negativity” was actually what was hurting our relationship. All of a sudden, I felt like I was on trial, even though I was the one who wanted to talk about my feelings. By the end of the conversation, I felt like the whole thing flipped. They said I attacked them unfairly, and they felt emotionally unsafe talking to me. I ended up apologizing to calm things down, even though my initial concern was never actually addressed. Now I’m sitting here wondering whether I was being unreasonable or if something else is happening. I feel like this happens often when I bring up any grievances with my partner, and honestly, I am beginning to feel too tired to process what’s real anymore.
Signed,
Quiet Witness
Hey Quiet Witness,
Thank you for sharing something so complex and personal. It is not easy to put yourself out there in hopes of getting some answers, especially when your ability to process is exhausted. Repeatedly leaving conversations feeling confused, blamed, or emotionally drained is a meaningful signal that something in the dynamic is not working, not that you handled it poorly.
From the experience you provided, one term kept coming to mind: DARVO, an acronym that stands for deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. The deny aspect occurs when the partner dismisses or minimizes the behavior initially brought up, rejecting the validity of the concern. Attack is when the focus shifts to criticizing the person who raised the issue, often questioning their character or motives. Reverse victim and offender is when the partner reframes themselves as the harmed party, while the original speaker feels blamed and ends up apologizing.
Now, I am not saying that experiencing DARVO means your partner is intentionally manipulative or malicious. Some people engage in this pattern defensively, especially if they struggle with accountability or emotional regulation. Speaking of patterns, when your lived experiences are denied and reframed often enough, it becomes difficult to trust your own memory or judgment. You may start overexplaining, backing down quickly, or apologizing just to restore the peace. Over time, self-doubt creeps in, eroding confidence and making it feel safer to stay silent than to advocate for your needs. I do not want to downplay the effect of DARVO in a relationship. Intent is less important than impact, and this pattern can erode trust in one’s own perception. What you have experienced really happened. You are not imagining this.
To foster mutual accountability and stay grounded and clear about the trajectory of your conversation, ask yourself the following questions: “Was my original concern acknowledged or addressed?” “Did the conversation stay focused on the specific behavior I raised, or did it shift to my character?” and “Do I feel clearer and more connected afterward, or more confused and guilty?” How you answer yourself will give you a better sense of what actually happened. If you find yourself asking these questions often and notice your answers begin to reveal a pattern, I suggest documenting your experience. Journaling can anchor you when self-doubt seeps in and can be reviewed when confusion clouds your memory. Try to identify when the discussion turns from your initial concern to a sense of blame on your part. Create conversational boundaries for yourself by saying something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to take some space. I want to continue this conversation when I’m feeling more regulated. Can you give me an hour to process what we’ve already covered?” This will allow you time to re-regulate and represent yourself in a calm and orderly fashion. If you are able to recognize DARVO behavior in real time, consider calmly restating the original issue: “I would like to stay focused on what I brought up, not on who is at fault.” If your partner is open to it, couples counseling or structured communication support can sometimes help both of you feel more fairly heard. If they are not open to counseling, that may raise questions about their willingness or ability to grow. Reaching out to an outside perspective, such as a friend, parent, or counselor, can also be invaluable. Having your reality reflected back to you accurately can be extremely stabilizing.
Consider taking time to distinguish between a partner who can self-correct when patterns are named and a partner who consistently deflects accountability. You might begin by asking yourself for clarity: “If this pattern continues unchanged, is this a relationship in which I can remain healthy?” When blame is consistently placed, it often creates an unhealthy power dynamic rather than mutual accountability.
Your needs are not unreasonable simply because they are inconvenient or uncomfortable to hear, nor are your feelings evidence against you. Wanting consistency, reassurance, and space to express concerns without fear of backlash is part of a healthy relationship. If you are feeling worn down or unsure of your own perceptions, that is something worth taking seriously with compassion for yourself. Be gentle with yourself as you sort through what you are feeling. Asking these questions is not a sign that you are causing problems. It is a sign that you care about understanding what is really happening and what you need to feel secure moving forward. Keep in mind that there are billions of people in the world, and many good-hearted, emotionally capable, mutually accountable partners exist. You deserve to feel calm and heard.
Do you have a question for Ask Aarde? Email them to Jdaarde@gmail.com.
