BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 1/2/2026 |
Hey Aarde,
I’ve been having recurring saucy dreams of cheating on my partner. It’s starting to make me feel guilty while I’m awake, but I can’t seem to control it. What does it mean? Am I unhappy? Should I tell my partner? How can I make it stop?
Signed,
Unconscious Cheater
Hey Unconscious Cheater,
Good news. Dreams are not real, at least not in this context, and they do not represent your true waking intentions, so you can take a quick breath of relief. Dreams often use imagery, symbols and metaphoric references to describe an issue that your subconscious is having difficulty processing. It is your consciousness’s way of communicating a concern or focus point that needs attention. People who care about doing the right thing often dream about doing the wrong thing, meaning these dreams could be about a fear of guilt, relationship failure or letting your partner down in general. The dream is a way to analyze the process of making the right choices during our waking hours. It is a nod to how seriously you take the responsibility of being morally ethical in your relationship, which is shown through choices and behaviors. Feeling upset actually proves that the dream action goes against your moral code. It is evidence that you are upholding commendable moral standards.
When dreams repeat, it is often a sign that you have unresolved stress or emotions that have not been fully processed while awake. Your mind is working through scenarios to help find a conclusion, running all possible simulations. It can be random and chaotic, but it does not define your intentional values. Do not self-punish or overmonitor your thoughts. Your brain is doing its best, so go easy on it. Consider whether you are feeling afraid of losing your partner. Perhaps there is an unresolved issue with finances, shared responsibilities or abandonment concerns. Your brain can exaggerate fears and worst-case scenarios to prepare you for survival. It is trying to protect you.
Funnily enough, cheating dreams are often an analysis of self-doubt, self-esteem or the fear of being replaced, not desire outside of the relationship. Our subconscious runs a scenario to gauge how easy it would be to replace someone we love as a way to validate the odds of it happening to us. Even if you have a healthy relationship that is growing and thriving, your mind can still run scenarios of failure because you care so much about it succeeding. The reality is usually that you love your partner deeply and want to make sure you are fulfilling their desires to keep the relationship healthy and alive. Love is a living thing that takes constant nurturing.
Now that we have determined why these dreams might occur, let’s discuss how to deal with them. When you wake, you may feel upset, anxious and even guilty. First things first, put a journal and a glass of water on your nightstand in the evening. When you wake from the dream, take a moment to ground yourself. Sit up straight in bed and place your feet flat on the floor. Take a few deep breaths, drink some water and begin to journal your dream. Write down anything you remember. Do not try to analyze it. Simply get it out of your mind and onto paper. Sometimes recurring dreams signal unmet needs in a relationship. You may discover that you are seeking reassurance, more quality time or even time for yourself. Use that notebook to write down anything that surfaces when you focus on possible unmet needs so you can clarify them and talk about them later with your partner.
Should you share your dream with your partner? That is a good question and requires a wider lens to answer. How you frame it is essential. Try leading with, “I had a dream that really upset me. I’ve considered what it could be representing. Are you in a space to help me work through this?” Allow your partner to choose the best time to be fully present. Do not confess a dream impulsively without context, assume repetition equals desire or express fear that you are seeking outside connections.
Feeling tired, overwhelmed or disconnected in a relationship does not equal betrayal in your sleep world. When you are sleep-deprived, sick or overworked, the brain’s filter weakens and emotions can trigger undesirable simulations. Try to get proper rest, stay hydrated, limit screen time before bed, find healthy ways to manage stress and consider using incandescent or circadian rhythm lightbulbs in your nightstand lamps. Take time to research additional stress-reduction strategies to lessen recurring dreams. You did not choose the dream, so adding blame is unnecessary. Focus instead on the root emotion the dream may be symbolizing. Dream analysis books and websites can help narrow down potential causes and provide information to support more informed conscious choices.
If the dreams are causing anxiety or guilt that will not go away, talk to someone who can help. There is no shame in getting support. Consider personal counseling if you have health insurance or can pay out of pocket, or explore therapy apps such as BetterHelp, Cerebral, Grow Therapy, ReGain or SonderMind. I do not support the use of ChatGPT or other AI tools for therapy.
Trust is built through actions, not thoughts. Consistency in moral standing, honesty and clarity of intention creates a safer space for your subconscious mind. When you invest in a healthy lifestyle, speak positively to yourself and your partner, and share your feelings in a safe environment, your mind can settle and rest. Your subconscious may speak in symbols and shadows, but your character is written in the quiet consistency of how you love.
Do you have a question for Ask Aarde? Send email to jdaarde@gmail.com.
