BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 5/30/25
Hey Aarde,
I’m done with online dating. It’s been five years, and I’m just plain tired of it. The men that I’ve been meeting expect a woman who has “done the work” but don’t seem to be accountable for “doing the work” on their damn selves. Why is this happening, and how do I avoid it while still finding a loving partner?
– Tired of Trying
Hey Tired of Trying,
Kudos for reaching out; learning can be great therapy for many struggling to rationalize reality. To validate you, I agree—it can be aggravating to experience the uneven distribution of self-awareness and emotional maturity on dating apps.
The ease and accessibility of these apps create a selection bias of users who can say that they “have done the work” but don’t have the receipts to show it. We all know that online dating platforms foster fast interactions, which nurture the curated marketing of an individual and allow them to mask as an ideal candidate for a little while. Usually, the mask slips, and a reveal happens a few weeks or months into a relationship (typically during a time of duress) because they have not internalized the tools to manage conflict healthily.
Noticing these masked red flags early on is excellent news, as you are expediting your awareness receptors, which will keep your most valuable asset—your time—safely locked down. So instead of looking at it as a bummer that another potential partner has revealed their lack of receipts, you can look at it with gratitude that you’ve developed intuition that helps assign the much-deserving value of your time and standards.
You may have outgrown the dating apps and the risks involved with them. As cliché as it sounds, focusing on yourself—your hobbies, activities, and interests—will naturally open space for potential partners who are there for the same reasons: self-growth, which will result in an instant natural connection point and a common ground for friendship. The same goes for volunteering or nonprofit-based organizations. You can also let your friends or colleagues know that you are actively looking to date emotionally available single people (unless, of course, you’re poly—then say that up front to keep it transparent).
When you are on dates, ensure that you are not “checklisting” your companion; it isn’t always as black-and-white as “Are they emotionally aware—yes or no?” Sometimes it is more like, “How do I feel around this person? Do I feel safe and respected?”
Of course, it is okay to ask direct questions regarding their journey of healing and relationship development early on—anyone unwilling to have an open and engaging conversation is a huge red flag, and you should move along swiftly. Exercise trust by taking their answers as true, then watch for consistency (remember, people can’t mask for too long). Regarding degrees of healing and development, someone actively in therapy is a good sign, but it is not a green flag to move forward. Some may use the words they’ve learned in therapy but haven’t embodied the act of them, so be honest with yourself about what level of development you are capable and willing to support and tolerate.
In any case, you deserve a partner who makes you feel safe, respected, heard, seen, and loved—and it is possible to find that. Focusing on yourself is magnetic and recognizable to others who have walked the same path as you. Aligning yourself will put you in front of others like you. Keep up the good work, and don’t give up! Love is abundant.
Do you have a question for Ask Aarde? Write in for advice to: jdaarde@gmail.com
