BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 9/19/25 |
Hey Aarde,
I live with my boyfriend, and sometimes it feels like I am his mother instead of his partner. I handle the household finances, and everything is in my name. He contributes money, but not as much as I do. He complains about the cleanliness of the house, but doesn’t help with chores. We both work full-time, but I work from home, so he thinks I should be responsible for it since he’s hardly here. He even has time to spend with his friends, but I am constantly working. I think he’s avoiding me because I am grouchy. How can I encourage him to take on an equal partnership role and help alleviate some of my stress?
Signed,
Growing Distant
Hey Growing Distant,
Gosh, this predicament always feels arduous to manage, like swimming in molasses. Still, when you have the right tools to steady the strokes and ride the resistance, the relief is like catching a current that helps you both keep moving forward—together. Relationships aren’t about making everything equal and fair; they are about respect and support. And they are alive, constantly changing, growing, needing to be evaluated and nurtured. We live in a busy world where it can be easy to take your partner for granted. We must set aside time to reconnect; there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
While your affection for your partner remains but may be quickly ebbing, it is entirely valid to desire greater fulfillment and reciprocity within the relationship. Your goal of wanting more balance in tasks and to share the load is reasonable and achievable. It is not uncommon for individuals to feel as though they’ve taken on a parental role in their relationship—often a result of unclear or unestablished boundaries and expectations early on. A common concern that arises is: What if I didn’t realize my boundaries until they were crossed? The answer is reassuring: it’s never too late to identify, articulate, and implement healthy boundaries. Even within an ongoing relationship, communicating your standards can benefit overall respect and emotional balance moving forward.
You’ve already identified moments where you feel used, unappreciated, and taken for granted. Now, the next step is to express these feelings clearly and constructively to your partner—inviting collaboration and shared responsibility, rather than triggering defensiveness or blame. To do this, you’ll need to dive into some more profound, critical self-questions. Grab a journal or your laptop and take each of these questions as an essay assignment. Take the time to write through your emotional waves as you approach each question. Keep in mind your insights may evolve, and your answers might change by the time you finish each reflection. This is a valuable part of the journey toward greater self-understanding.
Here are a few reflective questions to consider:
- When do I start to feel anxious, depleted, or disconnected?
- Are there patterns where I am abandoning myself to keep the peace?
- What are those patterns? (For example, staying silent when bothered, not asking for help, doing it all yourself.)
- What would make me feel emotionally safe in this relationship? What kind of support do I actually need? (Is it more financial help, help around the house, general appreciation, or a combination of all?)
- What are my nonnegotiables—things I absolutely need to feel respected and valued?
- What does healthy support look like to me, both practically and emotionally?
- How do I want conflict or disagreements to be handled, and what steps can I take to uphold my boundaries without guilt or fear?
- What are the consequences I’m willing to accept if my boundaries are not respected?
- What role do past experiences or issues with trust play in my boundaries, and how can they be strengthened?
Once you’ve established a baseline of information that accurately reflects your experience in the relationship, you can invite your partner to join a relationship check-in. This is a scheduled, predetermined time set aside for both parties to come mentally prepared, emotionally willing, and ready to discuss complex relational topics. The purpose of allocating a specific time is to prevent any one person from feeling attacked, bombarded, or surprised, which could cause them to reach a boiling point and blow up on the other unsuspecting participant.
Having a clear conversational framework that both parties agree to provides an instant solution-based energy. Set the example by starting with how you are feeling, then focus on where you believe the imbalance lies, followed by the impact it is having on the relationship. Ask for clear, defined changes to help set a healthy boundary for the relationship—because you care and because you don’t want resentment to grow. This style of dialogue should lead to an open conversation where both of you can brainstorm ways to split chores, create financial clarity, and schedule future check-ins and intentional time together. (If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider the idea of using AI to assist in organizing you and your partner’s wishes. If that makes you cringe—I get it. But it’s not about trusting the machine; it’s about using a tool.)
Before I had these tools, I would bottle up my emotions throughout the day, act cold all night, and then choose to unload them onto my partner as he was leaving for work. While it gave me temporary relief, the relief was mine alone. He later shared that he wished I had expressed my frustrations the night before, allowing us time to process and discuss them together. Otherwise, carrying that emotional weight into his workday made things more difficult and stressful for him. My concern was that he was tired when he got home from work. I didn’t want to bother him, and I needed more time to process my emotions anyway. Together, we chose a solution that incorporated scheduled relationship check-ins, creating a space to share our thoughts with respect for each other’s emotional reservoirs. This has transformed not only the way we communicate and connect, but also how I listen and feel my own feelings (without haste).
My closest friends know what I’m going to say now: it’s reality-check time. If your partner dismisses your attempts, minimizes your feelings or concerns, or flips it back onto you as if it’s all your problem, you have collected valuable data on the person you are sharing your short time on earth with. Look for patterns where sharing your honest emotions is shut down, where blame is shifted, or where there is an avoidance of accountability altogether. People deserve to be in relationships with partners who actively listen, even if it means taking actions that may initially feel uncomfortable. Good relationships are based on couples who want to understand each other, not a defensive battle of who’s at fault. Love without mutual respect and responsiveness is just emotional choreography—it might look like a partnership, but you’re dancing alone.
