BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 3/6/26 |
Hey Aarde,
I keep saying yes to things even though I don’t want to. Nothing crazy, just social events even if I’m exhausted, tasks at work that could easily be given to others, or covering shifts and double-booking myself with friends. Sometimes even when family needs stuff, like cash, I’m barely making it myself, but I always feel selfish if I don’t share when someone’s in need. I want to be more confident about saying no, but I don’t know where to start.
Signed,
Growing Backbone
Hey Growing Backbone,
Now couldn’t be a better time to learn to say no. With the idea of consent surfacing in many circles, personal, public, political, it’s a good lesson to go over. I know you weren’t referring to sexual consent, but let’s face it, learning to say no is imperative to all of us in all facets of life. If saying yes feels automatic, it’s probably not a choice, and every yes that betrays your limits quietly erodes your self-trust. Your body knows when your mind has misaligned with it. You might get a pit in your stomach after agreeing, or feel a sense of silent resentment toward the person.
It’s common to feel like you might disappoint others or face judgment if you say no. However, consistently agreeing to things you don’t truly want to do leads to resentment and burnout. Learning to say “no” is not about being selfish or unkind. Saying no is more about honoring your priorities, your energy and your boundaries. It’s helpful to understand why one feels driven to say yes even when the gut is saying no. Often, an individual fears conflict and avoids confrontation at all costs. A desire for approval might be an issue, equating being helpful with being liked. You may feel guilty, as if you’re somehow responsible for others’ happiness. And a lot of times, it’s become a habit to be accommodating.
If these reasons resonate with you, you may want to start paying closer attention to these patterns, recognizing and identifying when you can discern the “why” in the moment of providing a “yes” or a “no.” My favorite tool in my toolbox is what I call the great pause. Taking a moment before answering gives you space to evaluate the foundation of your response. “Let me check my schedule, bank account, upcoming bills, energy level, ability, etc., to help and get back to you” will give you enough time to decide if you truly want to commit. Not can, want.
In my early twenties, I often overexplained my choices. I would provide lengthy reasons as to why I was unable to help, crafting a compelling storyline to avoid any judgment. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned an important rule to live by: brevity creates less “gray.” Being firm but polite provides clarity without muddiness. “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t take that on right now.” I do want to point out that asking for help isn’t often easy for some of us. Therefore, gauge the person requesting your help. If they rarely ask for assistance, you may feel more inclined to offer what you can. And if you truly are strapped, you could follow up with, “I’m proud of you for asking for help, but I can’t balance that right now. Please know that I’d love to help in the future when I can.” This approach keeps the pool warm for healthy exchanges moving forward. Or you can try something like, “I can’t help this weekend, but I’d be happy to assist next time.”
It may feel completely unnatural to say no, and that’s okay. As with all things, taking baby steps can help develop comfort with a new task. Practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations. Decline minor requests or invitations you don’t enjoy. Another useful tool is to reframe your thinking. Saying “no” is actually saying “yes” to yourself by preserving your energy for the things that matter in your life, goals, relationships, overall well-being.
Often, when we hear the word “boundaries,” we think of immovable walls. But it is quite the contrary. Boundaries are flexible guidelines that define how you want to be treated. Our existence is filled with myriad nuances, and we must experience each one with fresh eyes. If you use the tools mentioned above, you will provide the space needed to analyze and incorporate past experiences and intuition in order to make better decisions.
You will begin to notice that every time you set a boundary, you reinforce your self-worth, understand your limits and learn to prioritize yourself, showing others that you respect your own time and energy and allowing others to learn to do the same. Over time, saying “no” becomes an act of self-care rather than self-defense. Over time, your comfort with boundary setting will grow. You will cultivate a deeper sense of self-respect and strengthen healthy relationships. Keep in mind, the people who benefit from your lack of boundaries will resist your growth. Your new boundaries might expose those in your life who do not have your best interests at heart. I leave you with a thought: Consider how being selfish and self-love are not the same.
