BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO 10/10/25 |
Hey Aarde, My coworker treats me like a therapist. Overall, they’re a good employee who just happens to be going through a rough patch and I genuinely care about them. But last week, I was reprimanded for not staying on task, and I feel like it was mainly due to being overwhelmed with their ongoing issue and need for support. Instead of throwing them under the bus, I took it with grace. How do I set friendly boundaries that don’t make them feel abandoned or betrayed while also defining my professional boundaries? How can I not feel like a bad person for asking for distance when I know they need support?
Signed,
Not Your Therapist
Hey Not Your Therapist, I believe we’re part of a community that honors the importance of consent, and this situation looks like emotional labor without permission, in a workplace setting no less. Clearly, that’s unsustainable. You are well within reason to create boundaries and define your comfort level when it comes to workplace relationships. I’m proud of you for speaking up and seeking clarity. If this had gone unchecked, the emotional toll would likely have continued creeping into your professional life, impacting your focus, productivity, and overall wellbeing.
I’m assuming here that not only do you feel unqualified to provide emotional counsel, you’re also unwilling to take on a second, unofficial job at work, and that makes perfect sense, especially when it’s affecting your performance and leading to reprimands. You shouldn’t be punished for being kind, but when your primary work suffers because of an unauthorized workload, it’s time to rein it in, for your own sake. Whether it’s a coworker, friend, family member, or partner, this advice holds true: clear, kind boundaries make relationships stronger—not weaker.
The first point of interest is to stay empathetic while guiding them toward appropriate support. Try saying something like: “That sounds really tough. Have you considered talking to a trained therapist about this?” Or, practice more direct speech by saying: “I’m not equipped or trained to help you through this, and you deserve tools from someone who is. I fully support you in finding a qualified person who can guide you. Let me know if you need my help finding someone, and I can tackle it after work hours.” It’s also fine to keep it simple and repeat a short version when needed.
Regardless of the method you choose to handle this, make sure that you craft it in a way that sounds sincere to who you are. Depending on your closeness to this colleague, consider asking a neutral friend, an AI tool, or an HR representative (keeping the recipient anonymous) to help you phrase it professionally or casually—whatever feels most natural to you and your relationship. If you have some insight into the depth of their situation, you might take a proactive step and offer resources (support groups, therapist directories, or an HR contact). If you feel that your willingness to listen is being taken for granted and you feel it’s safe to escalate the issue up the command chain, consider speaking directly with HR yourself.
Obviously, you’re not trying to make your work friend feel bad. Like most emotional conversations, it helps to begin your statements with “I.” This helps you maintain a sense of accountability for your feelings without risking defensiveness from the other person. If you remain respectful, solution-focused, and kind, your newly established boundary should be received graciously. If you can approach these new boundaries systematically, slowly, and steadily, it should be readily accepted. If, for some reason, it isn’t, please know that this isn’t to be considered a failure—look at it as though it is simply invaluable data collection.
Keep in mind that even after a boundary is accepted, it can be common for old habits to resurface. People often revert to familiar patterns while adjusting to change. Instead of reacting with frustration, practice gentle redirection. Try using a statement like, “I’d like to focus on work while I’m on the clock. Maybe we can plan time when we are off to talk about this?” This approach helps rebalance the relationship while maintaining kindness and care. It also reminds them that you’re a colleague, not a counselor. And the fact that you’re seeking ways to communicate this reinforces that your compassion is genuine.
Every conversation is a chance to shift from judgment to curiosity. Boundaries often reveal something about the other person, how they handle pushback, and how they treat others when limits are set. And it offers you something too: clarity about what you can (and can’t) hold. As you define and communicate your boundaries, pay attention to how you feel and, more importantly, why. Your emotional and physiological reactions, whether it is guilt, relief, anxiety, or many other valid emotions, are important signals, or what I call “Quota Alarms,” internal limits that you might not have been aware of previously. Paying attention to these is a form of self-respect.
Now for the big G: Guilt. That pesky emotion we all get to wrestle with. Please know, it’s okay to care about someone while also protecting your own emotional limits. They are not mutually exclusive. In fact, it makes you a better friend. Burning yourself out isn’t the same as showing up.
Let’s also not forget: you’re not just preserving your emotional bandwidth, you’re protecting your professional reputation. There’s no reason you should have to remain silent or take the fall for something that isn’t your responsibility. You’ve already identified that something needs to shift. You’ve acknowledged your desire to define your emotional contributions and set expectations that respect your role. That’s the most challenging part.
Now, here’s the next step: recognize that guilt, fear, or discomfort are totally normal during this process. Guilt is often mistaken for failure, but it’s actually a signal that something is changing. It means you’re shifting patterns. It means you’re growing. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You’re not abandoning anyone. You’re choosing balance. And that’s not a betrayal of your values. It’s a better way to honor them.
Got a question? Need advice? Send email to: Jdaarde@gmail.com
