BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO | 7/17/2026
Hey Aarde,
Two close friends of mine are going through a breakup right now. I want to be the best support I can, but I have a lot I’m dealing with myself. Do you have any advice on setting boundaries and relationships in general?
Signed,
Caught in the Middle
Hey Caught in the Middle,
It is never fun to watch two friends who once loved each other begin to detach from one another. It can be especially difficult when they are both part of a close friend group and there are expectations to support unhealthy ways of processing the breakup. No one likes being in a situation where one friend is bad-mouthing another who is struggling with emotional dysregulation. You’re a good friend for recognizing that you’re in a unique position and wanting to remain respectful while being as supportive as possible to both parties.
Not every breakup has to be volatile, vindictive, or hurtful. Sometimes things don’t work out, and if both people are mature, they can take responsibility and accountability for their part in the relationship ending without playing the blame game. Everyone deals with breakups differently, and grief can change shape quickly. Since a breakup can hijack a person’s emotional world, acknowledging how painful it is to watch them go through it can offer perspective and remind them they are not alone in the process.
Creating a short guideline for yourself can help keep you stable, supportive, and accountable to your personal boundaries when you find yourself in an uncomfortable moment. It can be really helpful to have a few one-liners to stay present for your grieving friend while also staying fair to the other. It seems obvious to say, but it is important to everyone involved that you avoid taking sides and that you never feel pressured to choose one friend over the other.
If you find yourself in that position, there are loving ways to respond while maintaining your boundaries. And if the conversation becomes disrespectful or turns to bad-mouthing, you can quickly redirect it by saying something like, “I’d like to stay supportive of each of you as you process this, and I’m feeling uncomfortable with the hurtful tone of this conversation. Can we focus on how you’re feeling instead of speaking negatively?” Asking for a gentle reframe when one of your friends begins to spiral or speak from a place of hurt is another way to offer support. It reminds them to stay mindful as they cope with big emotional changes.
It would behoove you to avoid becoming a messenger between the two people by clearly stating, “I care about both of you and would prefer not to be a messenger.” If one or both friends seem stuck in the same painful patterns or are struggling to communicate respectfully, it may be appropriate to encourage them to speak with a mental health professional. Local university training clinics and community health centers may offer inexpensive options if insurance or finances are an issue.
It is important to encourage kindness, patience, and perspective, recognizing that emotions often settle with time. Feelings can be intense in one direction one day and swing hard in the other the next.
Depending on how intertwined the couple is, the breakup can be completely debilitating, so it is helpful to validate their feelings, whatever direction they are swinging in at the moment, without agreeing with everything they say. You can try this by saying, “That sounds really painful. I can see why you’re feeling hurt and overwhelmed right now. I’m here for you.”
You are a good friend for taking time out of your own life to support them, but remember: It isn’t your responsibility. Knowing your own bandwidth is the healthiest way to remain supportive of both of your friends. You don’t have to sacrifice your own well-being for their benefit. Being caught in the middle doesn’t mean you have to stay in the middle. You can create a loving, compassionate energy bubble around their grief and give them space to process it from a healthy place. When you create these types of boundaries, they create the conditions for those friendships to last. Practice quick, loving, supportive sentences to help you stay grounded and present for yourself and your friends.
As far as relationships in general go, we must all remember that love is a living thing and that expectations might need to be examined. Sometimes we hold our partners to standards they never agreed to, or we assume that they should instinctively know what we need. The truth is, no one is in our heads. Our needs, wants, fears, and hopes deserve to be communicated clearly instead of expected to be understood through hints, sarcasm, or assumptions. Clarity creates connection, while confusion often breeds disappointment and resentment. The healthiest relationships are built on honest conversations, mutual understanding, and the willingness to keep learning from one another over time. Good communication isn’t about winning an argument; it’s about helping one another feel seen, heard, and understood.
Relationships have a way of illuminating our communication patterns, attachment styles, insecurities, strengths, and capacity for vulnerability. This doesn’t mean our partner is responsible for our emotional reactions, nor does it mean they are the cause of every struggle. Rather, close relationships create opportunities to become more aware of ourselves. If we’re willing to approach those moments with curiosity rather than defensiveness, they can become powerful invitations to personal growth. Sometimes the greatest lesson a relationship offers isn’t about the other person at all; it’s about discovering who we are, how we love, and where we still have room to grow.
Many relationship gurus mention setting aside check-in times when both parties can come prepared to discuss relationship issues at a specific time and in a specific setting. This allows each person to show up without feeling attacked or caught off guard. It creates a loving, safe space where the intention is to grow together. Bonus points if you begin by participating in a heart meditation. Set a timer. Sit facing each other, with your right hands on each other’s hearts. Either close your eyes or maintain eye contact, and try to match each other’s breathing. Feel free to look up guided heart meditations for couples online and find one that feels appropriate.
Relationships will always ask something of us, whether we’re partners or simply in a friend circle. When we communicate with clarity and kindness, we create the kind of relationships that can withstand difficult changes. Stay true to yourself, and your friends will be grateful for it when time has allowed them the space to heal.
