BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO | 11/6/2026
Hey Aarde,
My kids are killing my spirit. They scream nonstop, don’t listen, and always want to be at their mom’s house instead of with me. I feel like the bad guy, but I also feel guilty for wanting to send them away. Am I a bad dad? How do I make my kids stop acting out at me?
Signed,
Turned & Burned
Hey Turned & Burned,
Oh, brother. I hear how tired you are. Parenting can feel relentless when the house is loud, nobody listens, and the people you love most seem to want to be anywhere but with you. And because parenting apparently comes with a complimentary lifetime supply of guilt, we add a little extra weight by feeling terrible for wanting a break from the very people driving us bananas.
Let’s start here: Wanting time away from your children does not make you a bad father. It makes you human, with reasonable limits and a nervous system that’s begging for a little peace and quiet. You can love your children fiercely and still be overwhelmed by their behavior. You can miss them when they’re gone and celebrate the silence when the door closes behind them. Both things can be true.
Now, about this business of wanting to be at Mom’s house. I understand why that stings. But a child’s preference is not a report card on your parenting, and you don’t need to start campaigning for their vote.
Kids may prefer a different routine, fewer rules, more familiarity, or simply whichever house isn’t currently requiring them to do specific chores that they dislike. Remember, these are the same people who can declare you the greatest father alive for buying the right cereal.
And here’s something I want you to consider: You are not required to overcompensate for what happens, or doesn’t happen, at their mother’s house. You don’t need to be twice as entertaining, twice as accommodating, or half as strict to make up for any perceived imbalance between households. That’s a contest nobody wins, least of all the children.
But there’s an important distinction between not competing with Mom and expecting her to do the heavy lifting. If she’s the one remembering every appointment, managing the school calendar, and knowing which child currently refuses to eat anything green, perhaps there’s room to reconsider how responsibilities are divided. Being a father isn’t simply showing up for the fun parts, any more than being a mother means being appointed the family’s unpaid executive assistant.
Now, about the screaming. I wish there were a magic sentence that could turn chaos into cooperation. But, there isn’t.
Start by noticing when things escalate. Is it after school, when everyone’s hungry and overstimulated? Around bedtime? During transitions between homes? Sometimes what looks like defiance is a child who’s tired, anxious, or struggling to adjust. Understanding the trigger doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you address the problem instead of wrestling with its symptoms. I’m a big fan of having a few well-crafted quips at the ready for recurring situations.
And please, spare yourself the lengthy lecture during a meltdown. Nobody is absorbing your wisdom while they’re screaming, and you don’t need to deliver a TED Talk to a hostile audience. When things get loud, get quiet. Calmly say, “I can see you’re angry, but I’m not going to have a conversation while we’re yelling. We’ll try again when we’re calmer.”
Then, provided everyone is safe, take a break. Set a timer and give everyone a chance to decompress. For younger children, you may need to help them settle. During your own quiet time, consider which boundaries matter most. “You can be angry, but you cannot hit.” Or, “We can disagree without screaming.” Follow through consistently. The goal isn’t to punish unpleasant emotions. It’s to teach that all feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors get a free pass. That’s a lesson a surprising number of adults could stand to revisit.
Once everyone has settled, get curious about what’s beneath the noise. You might say, “I’ve noticed we’ve been fighting a lot lately. Is something bothering you?”
Then listen. Really listen. You may hear something that stings. Resist defending yourself or asking your children to reassure you that they love you. That’s not their job. Instead, try, “That’s hard for me to hear, but I’m glad you told me.”
And if they miss Mom, let them. Tell them, “It’s OK to miss your mom and want to be at her house. You don’t have to choose between us.”
Children shouldn’t be responsible for managing their parents’ emotions or drafted into the emotional bookkeeping of a relationship between two adults. Whatever unfinished business exists between you and their mother belongs in the adult department. And, if there’s a problem with the co-parenting arrangement, address it with the other adult. Don’t turn yourself into a one-man circus to compensate, and don’t expect Mom to keep the show running behind the curtain.
Now, connection doesn’t require expensive adventures or perfectly orchestrated family nights. Sometimes it’s 10 uninterrupted minutes doing something your child chooses, without correcting, teaching, or multitasking. Just being together, remembering your relationship is more than the latest argument over dirty socks.
And please, make room for yourself. Plan actual breaks. Not the kind where you catch up on laundry or grocery shopping. Rest isn’t a reward for completing every obligation. It’s a necessity, and demonstrating that a parent’s needs matter is a valuable lesson in itself.
And if the conflict is frequent, escalating, or affecting life at school and home, consider a pediatrician, family therapist, or parenting counselor. Sometimes an outside perspective reveals something difficult to see from inside the storm.
You’re allowed to have expectations, boundaries, and a life beyond meeting their demands. Your job isn’t to make childhood an uninterrupted parade of happiness. It’s to provide a safe place to experience the messy business of being human while teaching your children how to treat the other humans sharing that space.
And remember, fatherhood isn’t measured by how well you compete with motherhood. Your children don’t need a second mother, a weekend entertainer, or a hero swooping in with grand gestures. They need a father who’s present, dependable, and willing to do the ordinary, unglamorous work of loving them.
Do you have a question for Aarde? Email jdaarde@gmail.com.
