AGNES’S ANSWER:

Dear Iced Out, So, let’s unpack this for a minute. Okay, maybe more than a minute. I think this calls for more than just your average dating advice. First off, let’s all agree that we are nowhere near a POST #MeToo world. The hashtag may no longer be trending, but there are still plenty of men out there offending against women. So my first note here is that women have no idea whether you are a danger to them or not. We grow up with our dads, brothers, and uncles all telling us that men only want one thing, and that we need to be protected from them. We grow up with our mothers, sisters, and aunts telling us their #MeToo stories, and we learn that we need to always be aware of our surroundings, not walk alone at night, and carry pepper spray, etc.

And you can say “not ALL men,” but we can’t tell just by looking at you, or just by a nice conversation, whether or not you will cause us harm. Think of it like this: you cannot just look at a gun and know whether or not it is loaded. You can only know that it COULD BE loaded, that it is a potential danger, and it is currently pointed right at you.

So, we are told our whole lives to be careful and to be wary of men, and with good reason. On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner. Worldwide, 1 in 3 women has experienced physical or sexual violence, mostly by an intimate partner.

Now, this has caused a bit of a gaslighting effect, especially for past generations of women, because us older gals were still raised in an environment where you literally had no choice but to find a man to marry to survive in society. It was the late 60’s and early 70’s before women could own a home, a credit card, or even open their own bank account without their husband’s or father’s signature. So you have some serious generational and ancestral trauma running through the veins of all women. The message was “men are dangerous and to be careful,” while at the same time being groomed to be a desirable wife and caregiver to them because the world was such that you also NEEDED them for protection and support. For literally ages, women have HAD to have a husband for sheer survival. That is obviously not the case anymore.

Now, the next thing I would like to unpack from your question is the notion that you’d rather play video games than deal with an “ice queen.” And I think that just says that you prefer some easy entertainment rather than the work it actually takes to engage in the development of a healthy and equal partnership. And maybe you don’t even want a relationship, maybe you just want to get laid, and maybe that is part of the problem. You want the easy immediate gratification, rather than the time and work it takes to develop an authentic connection with another human being. If that is the case, I’d like to remind you that women aren’t responsible for your horniness, and my advice is to grab a bottle of lotion or take a cold shower!

In a world where women for centuries have needed men to survive, men were raised with the notion that their value was in being a protector and a provider. You never HAD to be authentic and vulnerable. You just had to be physically strong and a wage earner. Now, these traits that masculinity has propped up for eons aren’t as attractive to women. If you are expressing yourself as a tough protector macho type, you are just seen as potentially more dangerous to women. Making really good money doesn’t hold as much weight because we can make our own money and pay our own bills now. If you feel bitter about that, it doesn’t really help your cause. Add this to the fact that in relationships, women bear the children and are still usually the main caregiver to them, to her husband, and for the home in general. Pile on top of that the fact that in some states, if you accidentally wind up pregnant you may be FORCED to keep an unwanted child, and it just makes dating, marriage, and especially casual sex... just not worth making it a priority in our lives.

This means that men now have to get real with themselves and with the women they are pursuing. Honestly, it means the same for women. This is gender neutral in that regard, in the sense that we ALL really need to assess what we are really looking for in a partner? We need to do the work on ourselves to make sure WE ARE a good partner. We need to stop looking for someone to love and validate our existence. We need to stop looking for a partner based on what they can add to our lives, but rather cultivate what it is that we personally have to offer as a potential mate. What makes you a good partner? What makes you a good lover? What makes you a good choice at all? Just wanting to have sex with us will get you nowhere today.

Getting laid isn’t a right, neither is having a life partner. It is a privilege and most certainly should be earned. Again, this doesn’t just hold true for men; I know plenty of women who have no idea who they are, what they want, or they just want someone to curb the loneliness. We all need to evolve in areas of love and relationship to one another. And that can be approached in many different ways, but there is no quick and easy fix. Just because you find yourself attracted to a woman doesn’t mean she owes you any attention or grace as a potential suitor.

My advice is to just live your best life. Pursue your dreams, be a happy, kind person, who is passionate about life and doing good things in the world, and you will attract someone who is on that same level. If you are sitting at home just playing video games and wanting an easy woman, then you are selling yourself short... and so will we.