BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO | 8/28/2026
Hey, Aarde,
I have three kids heading back to school, and I’m worried they’ll feel self-conscious if I can’t afford the name-brand clothes their classmates wear. How can I help them feel confident and fit in without draining all my savings?
Signed,
Struggling Mom
Hey, Struggling Mom,
As a single mom myself who grew up in a family of nine kids, I completely understand how stressful it can feel when the expectations of parenting don’t always match the ol’ bank account.
When I think back on how my mom managed this, one rule stands out. Each of us had a small budget for the year, along with a checklist of necessities: underwear, socks, a backpack, and other basics. But being kids, if we were left on our own to shop, we’d blow our budget on a single item. One year, one of my brothers spent his entire budget on an Oakland Raiders bomber jacket, while I spent every penny of mine on a white-faced Swatch watch. We lived with our choices and learned a little something about budgeting along the way when our socks had holes in them and our backpacks smelled like mildew.
Middle school can feel like a social experiment wrapped in a daily fashion show. (No offense to my middle school teachers, who work hard to make it anything but that!) And let’s be honest: Those insecurities can hit especially hard when it comes to things like acne, hair, weight, and what they’re wearing. Some of those things are simply out of a kid’s control, which is exactly why the things they can control, like their clothing, can feel even more important.
When they don’t have the clothes they feel comfortable or confident wearing, it can add another layer of stress to an already challenging time. Add in a little peer comparison and the constant parade of images on social media, and it’s no wonder our kids can feel like they’re never quite measuring up. That feeling can really get to kids, affecting their confidence and mental health, both of which shape how comfortable they feel showing up and participating in learning and everyday life.
I commend you for caring about how your kids appear as they walk through those school doors. Still, it is also important that we understand how they appear to other kids. As adults, we may forget the social stresses of growing up and see all of this as vanity or a popularity contest.
Remember DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince’s 1988 single, “Parents Just Don’t Understand”? I recommend listening to it again real quick.
Kids relish the self-expression that clothing or style provides. It’s how they communicate who they are to the outside world, and it isn’t difficult to see that it isn’t really about the clothes; it’s about belonging.
Given how much social anxiety and bullying occur and how cruel kids can be, understanding the importance of our kids feeling secure in their outward projection shows true empathy and compassion as a parent.
It’s no wonder public schools resorted to a uniform code to eliminate such problems; however, any kid will tell you it doesn’t seem to matter. Judgments are still passed upon others. Kids will find other things to compare, such as hair, coats, accessories, or shoes, that become new status markers. Even where the required uniform was purchased can be an obvious issue for some kids, whether from a discount store or an expensive version. Uniforms don’t eliminate body insecurity, and kids will find a way to create a pecking order regardless.
So, now that we’ve established that this isn’t just about clothes, here’s what I would do:
Reach out to friends and family and ask for help or donations. There is no need to be embarrassed. There is no shame in letting someone else help your kids when you need it. It shows you care enough to set your pride aside. It shows how great you are as a parent.
Start with the basics, then build the wardrobe. Needs come first. Wants are where we get creative.
Let your kids have some ownership. Once the basics are met, give them a list of items they can purchase within the budget. Remember, my brother and I spent our entire budgets on an Oakland Raiders bomber jacket and a Swatch watch. Kids are going to make choices, so give them some ownership in those choices while teaching them to live with the consequences.
Find local thrift stores, consignment shops, resale apps, neighborhood groups, church groups, or school or community resources. Take the time to find desired, barely used, name-brand items. This is a great opportunity to explain that a name brand isn’t the same as looking put together.
Make it a challenge. How much of a wardrobe can we get for $100? You might be surprised by what you can find when you turn shopping into a treasure hunt rather than a trip to the mall.
Now, this may not help right now, but as the year progresses, look for sales, buy out of season, swap with friends or siblings, and invest a little more in pieces that get worn constantly.
I wouldn’t make kids earn their basic necessities, but if they have their hearts set on that $125 pair of shoes, that’s a great opportunity to talk about saving, earning, and making choices. You could provide opportunities to earn extra money toward a special purchase by doing household chores or helping with neighbors’ needs.
And finally, one of the most important lessons to teach them is that finding a deal isn’t something to be embarrassed about; it’s a life skill. There is an art to finding quality fabrics, sturdy stitching, and well-fitting items secondhand. Your biggest bang for your buck will be to teach them how to shop strategically, not shamefully. Help them consider how much waste a fast-fashion society produces and how purchasing secondhand is the admirable thing to do.
Let them care about how they look. Let them have a favorite brand or that one coveted jacket. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good in what you wear.
But ultimately, our job is to help them understand their worth isn’t determined by a label, a hairstyle, a body type, or what someone at school thinks of them. Give them room to care about how they present themselves while reminding them that who they are matters infinitely more than what they’re wearing. In case you haven’t heard it lately, you’re doing a great job, Mom.
Do you have a question for Ask Aarde? Send email to jdaarde@gmail.com.
