BY AARDE WRITES for WEEKLY VOLCANO | 8/7/2026
Hey Aarde,
I work in a super competitive industry, and honestly, I’m struggling to figure out where the line is between working hard and becoming kind of cutthroat. I’ve always been competitive, but I don’t even know if it’s because I actually like winning or because, growing up, that was kind of how I got approval. My parents were really big on being the best, and it always felt like winning meant I was doing enough.
Now I’m an adult, and I still carry that around. When someone else gets the award or the opportunity I wanted, I take it way harder than I probably should. I want to be happy for the people I work with, but sometimes I just end up feeling jealous. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because they’re my colleagues, and some of them are my friends.
I work really hard, but when I don’t “win,” it feels like I somehow failed. I’m starting to feel pretty alone in a career where everyone is chasing the same thing.
Signed,
Number One
Hey Number One,
It’s not easy to always be number one in a sea of winners, but your ambition doesn’t have to mean being cutthroat to win. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to succeed. While there is nothing inherently bad about wanting to win, many high achievers struggle with the very thing you’re feeling. Think about it this way: The problem isn’t that you want to succeed; it’s what success means to you. It sounds like, as you grew up, you learned that winning was the price of feeling accepted or gaining approval, and that’s a heavy lesson to carry into adulthood.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” right?
If you look for confidence by measuring yourself against others, you will find your value becoming dependent on other people’s outcomes. It would be more useful to reframe success as something within your control by measuring yourself against your own potential. There are 8 billion people on the planet, and if you live in Tacoma, you live in a community of 230,000 people, some of whom may be faster, richer, stronger, more talented, more coordinated or more experienced. If your self-esteem, self-confidence or inner peace depends on always winning, you will rarely achieve the desired results. These elements can creep in and corrupt an otherwise healthy drive. Once you recognize that there will always be someone with the same drive as you, it becomes an odds game. Odds are, sometimes you’ll be the winner, and other times, someone else will carry the title.
And here’s the bigger point: Not winning isn’t the same as failing. One loss doesn’t define you or your value. Each challenge is an opportunity to try again, no questions asked. That’s where passion and a healthy drive come to shine. You can only compare yourself to the best version of yourself each time.
It’s OK to acknowledge disappointment from losing, especially if you’ve trained hard and made sacrifices to get where you are. But the real danger can arise when you’re working on a team where everyone is striving to be the winner. When someone else does win, you’ll need to be careful not to let that disappointment turn into resentment. Resentment is the culprit that isolates you and keeps you from your team, which in turn keeps relationships from growing.
I’m sure you’ve seen medal ceremonies for little kids where the tiny champion encourages their tiny competitors to share the pedestal, throwing their arms around the shoulders of the ones who made the race possible. Those are the best kinds of winners. It’s clear for all to see: They value their competitors and know it’s a team sport, no matter who wins.
Think for a moment about your favorite athlete, mentor or collaborator. They had to compete hundreds or thousands of times to get where they are now, and it’s a guarantee they didn’t win every time. They built their image on a long-standing reputation for good sportsmanship and drive, not isolated victories. Most people look up to them because of how they make others feel, most often positive and growth-oriented, and because they are leaders.
Instead of comparing yourself to others in your field, try collecting data from your own outcomes. Ask yourself whether you prepared well, whether there was anything you could have done differently, whether you improved from a previous performance and whether you learned anything. These are victories that belong only to you, and this way of thinking helps you avoid confusing what happened with who you are. Again, a few losses aren’t your identity, and no loss determines your value. I would bet that when each event ends, it won’t be your last time participating, so look further ahead with a longer-term perspective. A light that gets brighter over time is better than a light that flares up and burns out fast.
You don’t have to give up the desire to win or the effort and drive to get there, but consider trading competition for conviction and the pursuit of perfectionism for the pursuit of excellence. Pause to evaluate the moment when you realize you need someone else to lose to feel like you’re enough. Being loved and admired by others, having a sense of success and experiencing inner peace don’t require someone else to lose. You can also experience a win simply by celebrating others’ achievements. Your success and theirs are not mutually exclusive. Celebrating others’ achievements is a sign of maturity and a true winner. As long as your drive is fulfilling your passion, you are winning.
Do you have a question for Ask Aarde? Send email to jdaarde@gmail.com
